Thursday, July 27, 2017

Love & Respect

Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved.  We asked 7,000 people this question: when you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected?  83% of the men said “disrespected.”  72% of the women said, “unloved.”  Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict, and this difference is as different as pink is from blue!

" how you talk to your husband. Undermining our men is remarkably easy. I know many Christian women who belittle their husbands in public without realizing it. When you open your mouth to say something to your husband to others, make sure that comment is something uplifting. And when you’re alone, express gratitude much more than you express criticism. But our respect for our husbands goes even further than that.

Ladies, if something is important to your husband, it should matter to you. Some men retreat simply because they get the impression they aren’t wanted, and so they try to carve out a place in the world where they can escape." 

Men and women are different in many ways. One area in particular is in the area of needs. Women have needs that are significantly different than those of men. How has God put a woman together? What does she need from a man?
In marriage, a man shows love to his wife by learning to meet seven basic needs that are the essence of who his wife is.
1) She needs a spiritual leader. A woman longs to follow a man of courage, conviction, commitment, compassion, and character. She wants a man who can be both steel and velvet. He can be a man’s man, and at the same time he can be gentle, tender, and approachable. Such a man will be a spiritual leader in the home. He will take the initiative in cultivating a spiritual environment for the family... 

2) She needs personal affirmation and appreciation. A man who loves a woman will praise her for personal attributes and qualities. He will extol her virtues as a wife, mother, and homemaker. He will also openly commend her in the presence of others as a marvelous mate, friend, lover, and companion. She will feel that to him, no one is more important in this world.
I remember telling men in a conference that one of the ways they show their wife appreciation is by picking up the phone and calling her during the day to see how she is doing. He is not to call to ask what came in the mail or what’s for supper! The following night a sweet young lady came up to me to tell me that her husband had obviously listened to what I had said the night before. She informed me that they had been married for a number of years and that her husband had never called her during the workday until that day. On this day he called her five times! 
At first I was proud of the impression I had made on the man, but then a frightening thought entered my mind. I asked the lady, “Well, what did he say in each of those conversations?” She informed me that he said not much at all and that each conversation lasted no more than a minute. I began to apologize to her for the fact that things had not worked out so well. She quickly interrupted me, “Oh no, Dr. Akin, it was wonderful. Just the fact that he thought to call means everything. We can work on the words later! However, if he doesn’t call, we have nothing to work on.”
3) She needs personal affection and romance. Romance for a man means sex. He cannot imagine romance without having sex. Romance for a woman can mean lots of things, and sex may or may not be a part of it. 
Romance is basically a game. It is a specific game. It is a game of “hide-and-go-seek.” She hides it and you seek it. If you find it, you will indeed agree that it’s good! On the other hand, if you don’t find it, you have one of two options. First, you can get nasty, mean, and bent out of shape and just be a miserable old grouch for the rest of your life. I have met a number of men just like that. Or second, you can remind yourself, it’s a game. Sometimes I win, and sometimes I lose. But that’s the fun of playing the game.
But there’s a second part to this game, and this is not fair. However, we dealt long ago with the fact that some things aren’t fair; it’s just the way they are. Guys, you must understand. What is romantic to your wife, say, on Monday, may not necessarily be romantic on Tuesday. Indeed, women are adept at moving the romance on a regular basis, sometimes even hiding it in places where they can’t even find it. When you go searching for romance in the place where it used to be, but now you discover that it is no longer there, don’t be surprised if looking over your shoulder is the woman that God gave you, and with her eyes she says something like this, “Yes, my darling. I moved the romance. It’s somewhere else now. And I’m going to wait to see if you love me enough to look for it all over again.”
Now again, guys, you can get angry, mean, and bent out of shape, or you can remember, it’s a game. And games can be fun. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But it’s all a great game. Men, if you will approach romance in this way, not only will you find it fun, but you will also get better at it along the way.
4) She needs intimate conversation. A woman needs a husband who will talk with her at the feeling level (heart to heart). She needs a man who will listen to her thoughts about the events of her day with sensitivity, interest, and concern. Daily conversation with her conveys her husband’s desire to understand her. Wise men learn soon after marriage that women are masters of code language. They say what they mean and expect you to know what they mean, and the particular words really don’t matter. Unfortunately some men are simply ill prepared and a little dense at this point, and it often gets them into serious trouble.
5) She needs honesty and openness. A woman needs a man who will look into her eyes and, in love, tell her what he is really thinking. He will explain his plans and actions clearly and completely to her because he regards himself as responsible for her. He wants her to trust him and feel secure. He wants her to know how precious she is to him. Growing openness and honesty will always mark a marriage when a man loves a woman.
6) She needs stability and security. A man who loves a woman will firmly shoulder the responsibilities to house, feed, and clothe the family. He will provide and he will protect. He will never forget that he is the security hub of the family for both his wife and his children. She will be aware of his dependability, and as our text indicates, so will others. There will be no doubt as to where his devotion and commitments lie. They are with his wife and his children.
7) She needs family commitment. A woman longs to know that her man puts the family first. Such a man will commit his time and energy to the spiritual, moral, and intellectual development of the entire family, especially the children. For example, he will play with them, [he will teach them the family's beliefs], he will engage in sports with them, and he will take them on exciting and fun-filled outings. Such a man will not play the fool’s game of working long hours, trying to get ahead, while his spouse and children languish in neglect. No, a woman needs a man who is committed to the family.

Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person

Why You Will Marry the Wrong Person  By 

We need to swap the Romantic view for a tragic (and at points comedic) awareness that every human will frustrate, anger, annoy, madden and disappoint us — and we will (without any malice) do the same to them. There can be no end to our sense of emptiness and incompleteness. But none of this is unusual or grounds for divorce. 
Choosing whom to commit ourselves to is merely a case of identifying which particular variety of suffering we would most like to sacrifice ourselves for. This philosophy of pessimism offers a solution to a lot of distress and agitation around marriage. It might sound odd, but pessimism relieves the excessive imaginative pressure that our romantic culture places upon marriage. The failure of one particular partner to save us from our grief and melancholy is not an argument against that person and no sign that a union deserves to fail or be upgraded. The person who is best suited to us is not the person who shares our every taste (he or she doesn’t exist), but the person who can negotiate differences in taste intelligently — the person who is good at disagreement. Rather than some notional idea of perfect complementarity, it is the capacity to tolerate differences with generosity that is the true marker of the “not overly wrong” person. Compatibility is an achievement of love; it must not be its precondition.
Read MORE Here. 

Sunday, July 23, 2017

Words of Wisdom

“Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.” – Lao Tzu, philosopher in ancient China

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist and the founder of analytical psychology

“When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself.” – Deepak Chopra, Indian-born American physician and author

For Many New Mothers

by Ryan Murphy 

For many new mothers, the home is a source of enormous stress. They can’t glance at the laundry room without thinking of the pile of stained onesies that need to be washed, and they can’t look at the kitchen without noticing the strained peas that need to be cleaned from the ceiling. Every room represents another thankless chore, which is why it’s so important to get your wife out of the house to help her [recharge]."

Women are Like Waves

By John Gray

Insight #1: The first insight is about the natural emotional cycle of women. Not understanding this can cause many problems in a relationship.

“Women are like waves”:

John Gray uses the term “waves” to describe a woman’s natural emotional cycle. Like waves, women naturally go up and down in how they feel about themselves and their lives. When they are ‘up’, they are able to be more giving, loving, and tolerant. But just like a wave has a peak, it also has its’ dip. And the ‘lows’ are a natural part of the emotional cycle. When a woman is in the low part of her wave, she is not feeling as good about herself and her life. During this time she is not as able to give as much, and is more in need *receiving* assurance, love, validation and understanding.

How a man can misunderstand:

1. He may feel responsible for the low and therefore become defensive when he sees it. The defensiveness may lead him to do exactly what he *SHOULDN’T* do: Explain why the woman shouldn’t be upset or down! He thinks he’s helping her by convincing her that whatever she’s upset about ‘isn’t a big deal’, but he’s really making things worse by invalidating her feelings! All she needs at this point is understanding and empathy—not someone to tell her that she’s ‘overreacting’ or being too ‘sensitive’ or ‘emotional’. Saying these things will often actually make her feel worse, as she begins to feel that she must defend herself and her feelings, therefore escalating them and often leading to an argument. She is not feeling understood or validated. She will likely feel that the man is being ‘insensitive’ or not understanding her. When the man tries to convince the woman why she shouldn’t be upset, he will likely become frustrated. He will express this frustration by making the woman feel that she’s just overreacting and overly sensitive. But deep down, he is actually frustrated because not being able to ‘fix’ the woman he loves when she’s upset makes him feel like he’s failing. So women, he’s not actually being insensitive. He’s actually just frustrated that he can’t make it better right away.

2. He may feel that it is his job to ‘fix’ the situation by offering solutions to her problem. Unlike men, when a woman is upset, she is often not looking for solutions or advice; she is looking for compassion, reassurance and empathy. She is looking for validation and understanding. Here’s the secret that a lot of men don’t understand: The fastest way to ‘fix’ a woman when she’s upset about something is to do the *opposite* of what comes natural to men. Don’t minimize the situation. Don’t offer solutions to make her feelings ‘go away’. Just be supportive and empathetic. Just try to listen and validate. Doing this will make a woman feel better very quickly. By the way, this is what women do for other women. If a woman goes to another woman with a problem, the other woman empathizes. This is the women code that men would do very well to understand: Never minimize another person’s pain or feelings.

Note: These insights are only *general trends* and will not apply to all people in all situations.

Why We Get Mad at Our Husbands

Why we get mad at our husbands by Martha Brockenbrough


40% of moms are mad that Dad can't multitask. And the more kids they have, the madder they are: 46 percent of moms with three-plus kids are irked by this.

As mothers, we think nothing of stirring a pot of noodles while setting up a refrigerator-repair appointment, sorting mail, and helping a child with his weekly spelling words. And it annoys us when our husbands act put-upon or overwhelmed when we want them to handle a couple of things at once. The dinner hour tends to be especially trying. Randi Maerz, a stay-at-home mom who lives in Keokuk, Iowa, says she's repeatedly asked her husband to watch their daughters, 4 and 2, while she's cooking, if only to keep them safe.

Instead, he comes home with a list of things he plans to do around the house. He gets to focus on one thing at a time, whether it's changing his clothes or doing touch-up painting on the house. Meanwhile, she's trying to cook with human leg warmers clinging to her shins.

"His priorities always come first," Maerz says. "He's got to accomplish them before he can focus on helping me with the kids." She likes how he takes on house projects, but his inability to acknowledge her needs and his unwillingness to multitask irritate her every day.

Lisa, a mom of two who lives in the suburbs of New York, knows the feeling.
After a full day at work, she can be cooking dinner, helping with homework, and taking notes for a PTA meeting while her husband is in the family room with their preschooler. She'll ask him to sort through magazines to be recycled while he's there, and he'll claim he can't because he's watching their kid...

The ones we also really need to talk to, however, are our husbands. The fact that so many moms are mad, and that so many of the complaints are similar, is significant. And maybe that can give all of us moms -- who love our husbands but wish they'd just be...more like us -- the push to make some changes, to delegate more and demand more for ourselves. Anger can be debilitating -- but it can also be motivating.

Read more here and here. 

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Why is My Wife Always Mad at Me? What to Do.

"Us men are raised to be problem solvers, so much so that the loved woman in our lives may, without realizing it, create problems for us to fix rather than running the risk of not getting our attention (except when we want sex).
The bad thing about getting a man’s attention these two ways (problems or sex) is that the woman does not get to be seen as a whole, intelligent and competent person. She gets put into boxes: either she had to be seen as a “damsel” in some sort of distress or trouble only her man can solve or she has to be seen as a sex object. Sometimes a wife will try both roles hoping her man will eventually know and treat her as a third option: a person, a human being that wants the same things in a relationship that the husband or man wants."

“Why is my wife always mad at me no matter what I do?” This is a common complaint I hear from men. He feels that most of the time  his wife or partner is upset and for some reason not happy with him. Perhaps its a bit over stated to say “always.”
However, the feeling is there much of the time. Often, he can’t put his finger on the reason(s) but tension fills the space between them.  Not much fun to be in a relationship like that.

The good news is that the “mad at me” syndrome has a beneficial pay-off. People don’t’ continue a behavior they are not getting something out of.  The method a couple is using to get a pay-off or benefit may not be the best way to do that, but they are getting something out of it, for sure. Behavior that is not reinforced ceases to exist.

In this case, the major pay-off is that the partners are paying attention to each other, albeit in a negative, destructive way. Couples give attention to each other in two very basic ways: they make love and/or they fight.  When a person in the relationship, or both people, for that matter, decide they are finished with the relationship, they cease paying attention to their partner in any way.
The opposite of love is not hate. Love and hate are the two sides of the same “giving-attention-to-the-other-person” coin.  The opposite of love/hate (make love or fight) is indifference.  People do not pay attention to people they do not care about. It’s dead: no heat, positively or negatively.

The Things We Do For Attention!

What is most difficult for men in these spots is they feel powerless to make things better. Whatever they do or don’t do, they can’t “fix it,” make her happy again so that they in turn, the guys, can feel calmer themselves. It can feel like a no-win proposition and at times, exiting the relationship may seem like the only solution.
Us men are raised to be problem solvers, so much so that the loved woman in our lives may, without realizing it, create problems for us to fix rather than running the risk of not getting our attention (except when we want sex).
The bad thing about getting a man’s attention these two ways (problems or sex) is that the woman does not get to be seen as a whole, intelligent and competent person. She gets put into boxes: either she had to be seen as a “damsel” in some sort of distress or trouble only her man can solve or she has to be seen as a sex object. Sometimes a wife will try both roles hoping her man will eventually know and treat her as a third option: a person, a human being that wants the same things in a relationship that the husband or man wants.
Treated as a role or sex object can leave a wife feeling angry and misunderstood.  Most modern women want a much deeper and significant connection with the man or husband in their lives without having to demean themselves to get it.
Wives want to be seen, attended to and recognized for who they are as developed, adult women who can take care of themselves, not needy and helpless sex pots.  They want your attention, man, because you find them to be a very interesting person in many ways, not because they need you to make it through life.

At the same time, there may be some very real things you do (or don’t do) that gets your “wife always mad” at you.

  • For starters, perhaps you are too dominate and non-negotiable, needing decisions to go “your way or no way”.  Decisions in a marriage or loving relationship are best the outcome of negotiated compromise.  This means each person gets some of what they want/or need, but not everything.  Mature couples are able to strike a deal they can both live with and which is good for them. Then they move on.
  • Check to see if her anger at you is factually about some of your real behaviors or actions, not only because you ignore her as a person.  Perhaps you abuse alcoholand your temper is worse after you drink. Maybe it’s that you presume she should know you heard her say something important but in reality you never acknowledged that you got the message she sent. She can’t read your mind. Maybe the work around the house needs to be looked  at again and new assignments made as to who does what when so that the domestic work loads are more balanced and fair between the two of you.
  • If a man never comes to understand what his wife’s or lover’s anger at him is really about and learn how to deal with it, he will continue having similar experiences with woman after woman, partner after partner. Two indications of this is repeated experiences of relationship contempt and/or chronic cheating.
  • What You, The Man or Husband, Can Do To Survive An Angry Wife:
  1. Go To Marriage Counseling: Invite her to go to marriage counseling with you.  If she refuses, go anyway and don’t pout because you could not argue or guilt her into going.  Take your frustrations out in the therapy session with your counselor, not on you wife. Accept you will not always get your way with your woman, ever again.  She’s on to you.
  2. Give Up Needing To Control Things: Stop trying to get her to do anything: love you, remember all the good times together, grow up, stop whining, stop being mad, go to counseling, etc.  Most of all, stop trying to get her to understand how you feel. If you want to be understood, you must first understand the other person.
  3. Stop The Blame Game: If you need her to be different and stop her anger so you can feel better, you are in effect blaming her for the way you feel.  How about you, the man/husband grow up, realize your wife is going through a tough time, (even if you don’t understand why or believe she has no right to treat you this way) and just be there with her as a companion asking nothing from her.
  4. Be Emotionally Mature in the Relationship: Find ways to manage your feelings of fear and anger. Do this on your own, honorably, without cheating.  Give up needing a woman to make you feel better.  You no longer need a mother. There are hundreds of things you can do to get calmer and manage yourself during times like this.  If you run out of ideas, I’d be glad to recommend several.
There can be situations in a marriage or relationship where the “angry wife” is in fact a wake up call the husband needs to pay attention to. Possibly specific problems are not being addressed by the man or husband and he brushes off his wife’s concern with, “Oh, she’s always mad at me. I just let it in one ear and out the other.” Maybe he really does have a drinking problem.  Perhaps there are real money problems or troubles with parenting. His Mr. Fix-it Skills really are needed.
Even so, this makes the point.  Give her your attention.  Listen to her concerns. Connect with her so that the two of you can work together as a team on the specific problem(s) and not turn each other into the problem.
Welcome the emotional energy anger brings and use it, as a team, to move mountains, not create chaos in your precious relationship.
can help.  Call me, Paul W. Anderson, PhD at 843-422-1408 if you need more help understanding what makes your wife always mad at you.

Love & Respect

EMERSON AND SARAH EGGERICHS Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a...