Sunday, July 23, 2017

Words of Wisdom

“Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.” – Lao Tzu, philosopher in ancient China

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.” – Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist and the founder of analytical psychology

“When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself.” – Deepak Chopra, Indian-born American physician and author

For Many New Mothers

by Ryan Murphy 

For many new mothers, the home is a source of enormous stress. They can’t glance at the laundry room without thinking of the pile of stained onesies that need to be washed, and they can’t look at the kitchen without noticing the strained peas that need to be cleaned from the ceiling. Every room represents another thankless chore, which is why it’s so important to get your wife out of the house to help her [recharge]."

Women are Like Waves

By John Gray

Insight #1: The first insight is about the natural emotional cycle of women. Not understanding this can cause many problems in a relationship.

“Women are like waves”:

John Gray uses the term “waves” to describe a woman’s natural emotional cycle. Like waves, women naturally go up and down in how they feel about themselves and their lives. When they are ‘up’, they are able to be more giving, loving, and tolerant. But just like a wave has a peak, it also has its’ dip. And the ‘lows’ are a natural part of the emotional cycle. When a woman is in the low part of her wave, she is not feeling as good about herself and her life. During this time she is not as able to give as much, and is more in need *receiving* assurance, love, validation and understanding.

How a man can misunderstand:

1. He may feel responsible for the low and therefore become defensive when he sees it. The defensiveness may lead him to do exactly what he *SHOULDN’T* do: Explain why the woman shouldn’t be upset or down! He thinks he’s helping her by convincing her that whatever she’s upset about ‘isn’t a big deal’, but he’s really making things worse by invalidating her feelings! All she needs at this point is understanding and empathy—not someone to tell her that she’s ‘overreacting’ or being too ‘sensitive’ or ‘emotional’. Saying these things will often actually make her feel worse, as she begins to feel that she must defend herself and her feelings, therefore escalating them and often leading to an argument. She is not feeling understood or validated. She will likely feel that the man is being ‘insensitive’ or not understanding her. When the man tries to convince the woman why she shouldn’t be upset, he will likely become frustrated. He will express this frustration by making the woman feel that she’s just overreacting and overly sensitive. But deep down, he is actually frustrated because not being able to ‘fix’ the woman he loves when she’s upset makes him feel like he’s failing. So women, he’s not actually being insensitive. He’s actually just frustrated that he can’t make it better right away.

2. He may feel that it is his job to ‘fix’ the situation by offering solutions to her problem. Unlike men, when a woman is upset, she is often not looking for solutions or advice; she is looking for compassion, reassurance and empathy. She is looking for validation and understanding. Here’s the secret that a lot of men don’t understand: The fastest way to ‘fix’ a woman when she’s upset about something is to do the *opposite* of what comes natural to men. Don’t minimize the situation. Don’t offer solutions to make her feelings ‘go away’. Just be supportive and empathetic. Just try to listen and validate. Doing this will make a woman feel better very quickly. By the way, this is what women do for other women. If a woman goes to another woman with a problem, the other woman empathizes. This is the women code that men would do very well to understand: Never minimize another person’s pain or feelings.

Note: These insights are only *general trends* and will not apply to all people in all situations.

Why We Get Mad at Our Husbands

Why we get mad at our husbands by Martha Brockenbrough


40% of moms are mad that Dad can't multitask. And the more kids they have, the madder they are: 46 percent of moms with three-plus kids are irked by this.

As mothers, we think nothing of stirring a pot of noodles while setting up a refrigerator-repair appointment, sorting mail, and helping a child with his weekly spelling words. And it annoys us when our husbands act put-upon or overwhelmed when we want them to handle a couple of things at once. The dinner hour tends to be especially trying. Randi Maerz, a stay-at-home mom who lives in Keokuk, Iowa, says she's repeatedly asked her husband to watch their daughters, 4 and 2, while she's cooking, if only to keep them safe.

Instead, he comes home with a list of things he plans to do around the house. He gets to focus on one thing at a time, whether it's changing his clothes or doing touch-up painting on the house. Meanwhile, she's trying to cook with human leg warmers clinging to her shins.

"His priorities always come first," Maerz says. "He's got to accomplish them before he can focus on helping me with the kids." She likes how he takes on house projects, but his inability to acknowledge her needs and his unwillingness to multitask irritate her every day.

Lisa, a mom of two who lives in the suburbs of New York, knows the feeling.
After a full day at work, she can be cooking dinner, helping with homework, and taking notes for a PTA meeting while her husband is in the family room with their preschooler. She'll ask him to sort through magazines to be recycled while he's there, and he'll claim he can't because he's watching their kid...

The ones we also really need to talk to, however, are our husbands. The fact that so many moms are mad, and that so many of the complaints are similar, is significant. And maybe that can give all of us moms -- who love our husbands but wish they'd just be...more like us -- the push to make some changes, to delegate more and demand more for ourselves. Anger can be debilitating -- but it can also be motivating.

Read more here and here. 

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Why is My Wife Always Mad at Me? What to Do.

"Us men are raised to be problem solvers, so much so that the loved woman in our lives may, without realizing it, create problems for us to fix rather than running the risk of not getting our attention (except when we want sex).
The bad thing about getting a man’s attention these two ways (problems or sex) is that the woman does not get to be seen as a whole, intelligent and competent person. She gets put into boxes: either she had to be seen as a “damsel” in some sort of distress or trouble only her man can solve or she has to be seen as a sex object. Sometimes a wife will try both roles hoping her man will eventually know and treat her as a third option: a person, a human being that wants the same things in a relationship that the husband or man wants."

“Why is my wife always mad at me no matter what I do?” This is a common complaint I hear from men. He feels that most of the time  his wife or partner is upset and for some reason not happy with him. Perhaps its a bit over stated to say “always.”
However, the feeling is there much of the time. Often, he can’t put his finger on the reason(s) but tension fills the space between them.  Not much fun to be in a relationship like that.

The good news is that the “mad at me” syndrome has a beneficial pay-off. People don’t’ continue a behavior they are not getting something out of.  The method a couple is using to get a pay-off or benefit may not be the best way to do that, but they are getting something out of it, for sure. Behavior that is not reinforced ceases to exist.

In this case, the major pay-off is that the partners are paying attention to each other, albeit in a negative, destructive way. Couples give attention to each other in two very basic ways: they make love and/or they fight.  When a person in the relationship, or both people, for that matter, decide they are finished with the relationship, they cease paying attention to their partner in any way.
The opposite of love is not hate. Love and hate are the two sides of the same “giving-attention-to-the-other-person” coin.  The opposite of love/hate (make love or fight) is indifference.  People do not pay attention to people they do not care about. It’s dead: no heat, positively or negatively.

The Things We Do For Attention!

What is most difficult for men in these spots is they feel powerless to make things better. Whatever they do or don’t do, they can’t “fix it,” make her happy again so that they in turn, the guys, can feel calmer themselves. It can feel like a no-win proposition and at times, exiting the relationship may seem like the only solution.
Us men are raised to be problem solvers, so much so that the loved woman in our lives may, without realizing it, create problems for us to fix rather than running the risk of not getting our attention (except when we want sex).
The bad thing about getting a man’s attention these two ways (problems or sex) is that the woman does not get to be seen as a whole, intelligent and competent person. She gets put into boxes: either she had to be seen as a “damsel” in some sort of distress or trouble only her man can solve or she has to be seen as a sex object. Sometimes a wife will try both roles hoping her man will eventually know and treat her as a third option: a person, a human being that wants the same things in a relationship that the husband or man wants.
Treated as a role or sex object can leave a wife feeling angry and misunderstood.  Most modern women want a much deeper and significant connection with the man or husband in their lives without having to demean themselves to get it.
Wives want to be seen, attended to and recognized for who they are as developed, adult women who can take care of themselves, not needy and helpless sex pots.  They want your attention, man, because you find them to be a very interesting person in many ways, not because they need you to make it through life.

At the same time, there may be some very real things you do (or don’t do) that gets your “wife always mad” at you.

  • For starters, perhaps you are too dominate and non-negotiable, needing decisions to go “your way or no way”.  Decisions in a marriage or loving relationship are best the outcome of negotiated compromise.  This means each person gets some of what they want/or need, but not everything.  Mature couples are able to strike a deal they can both live with and which is good for them. Then they move on.
  • Check to see if her anger at you is factually about some of your real behaviors or actions, not only because you ignore her as a person.  Perhaps you abuse alcoholand your temper is worse after you drink. Maybe it’s that you presume she should know you heard her say something important but in reality you never acknowledged that you got the message she sent. She can’t read your mind. Maybe the work around the house needs to be looked  at again and new assignments made as to who does what when so that the domestic work loads are more balanced and fair between the two of you.
  • If a man never comes to understand what his wife’s or lover’s anger at him is really about and learn how to deal with it, he will continue having similar experiences with woman after woman, partner after partner. Two indications of this is repeated experiences of relationship contempt and/or chronic cheating.
  • What You, The Man or Husband, Can Do To Survive An Angry Wife:
  1. Go To Marriage Counseling: Invite her to go to marriage counseling with you.  If she refuses, go anyway and don’t pout because you could not argue or guilt her into going.  Take your frustrations out in the therapy session with your counselor, not on you wife. Accept you will not always get your way with your woman, ever again.  She’s on to you.
  2. Give Up Needing To Control Things: Stop trying to get her to do anything: love you, remember all the good times together, grow up, stop whining, stop being mad, go to counseling, etc.  Most of all, stop trying to get her to understand how you feel. If you want to be understood, you must first understand the other person.
  3. Stop The Blame Game: If you need her to be different and stop her anger so you can feel better, you are in effect blaming her for the way you feel.  How about you, the man/husband grow up, realize your wife is going through a tough time, (even if you don’t understand why or believe she has no right to treat you this way) and just be there with her as a companion asking nothing from her.
  4. Be Emotionally Mature in the Relationship: Find ways to manage your feelings of fear and anger. Do this on your own, honorably, without cheating.  Give up needing a woman to make you feel better.  You no longer need a mother. There are hundreds of things you can do to get calmer and manage yourself during times like this.  If you run out of ideas, I’d be glad to recommend several.
There can be situations in a marriage or relationship where the “angry wife” is in fact a wake up call the husband needs to pay attention to. Possibly specific problems are not being addressed by the man or husband and he brushes off his wife’s concern with, “Oh, she’s always mad at me. I just let it in one ear and out the other.” Maybe he really does have a drinking problem.  Perhaps there are real money problems or troubles with parenting. His Mr. Fix-it Skills really are needed.
Even so, this makes the point.  Give her your attention.  Listen to her concerns. Connect with her so that the two of you can work together as a team on the specific problem(s) and not turn each other into the problem.
Welcome the emotional energy anger brings and use it, as a team, to move mountains, not create chaos in your precious relationship.
can help.  Call me, Paul W. Anderson, PhD at 843-422-1408 if you need more help understanding what makes your wife always mad at you.

7 Steps To Smooth Things Over When Your Wife Is SUPER Mad At You

..."So, what should you do if you realize you've hurt your wife and now she's upset with you?
Here are seven steps to help you shift from conflict back to connection: 
1. Find out what's really going on
A good first step is to find out as much as you can about what just happened. If you know what hurt your wife, give her a chance to talk about it. Or, if you don't know why, ask her to share her feelings and give her a chance to talk about it. 
This is not the time to defend yourself; it is a time to listen. Your partner would not be upset without a good reason, and now is the time to find out what that real reason is. Even if it was an unintentional hurt, your wife is still wounded and you need to know more about it.

2. Give her some space, if needed
Depending on the level of upset and how your wife handles hurt feeling, she might need awhile before she's willing to talk to you about it. 
So, back off and grant her time and space to think.
3. Talk the issue through and clarify
Once she shares her feelings about the matter, ask questions to clarify anything you don’t understand. 
Before going any further, make sure you've allowed your wife to fully express how she feels and to tell the whole story.
4. Find out if there is more to the story?
If there is more to the story that your wife doesn’t know, ask if she is willing to hear what you know that she may not. BUT, be very cautious here that you're not:
  • Trying to protect yourself or cover up what you've done
  • Attempting to minimize her upset
  • Blaming your wife for her upset
  • Stirring the pot and doing it to her all over again
  • Being defensive
5. Begin repairing the damage
As soon as you can, sincerely apologize for what you've said or done (even if you did not intend to hurt your wife).
Let her know that you get it — she feels hurt and you're sorry. Acknowledge that you understand why she's upset, or why she feels the way she does and that you want to do everything you can to fix and repair the damage done.
6. Ask if there is something your wife needs from you
Make it clear that you want to fix things, so if there is something she needs from you to help make things right, you're willing to do it.
7. Talk about future steps
Once you know that your spouse understands that you "get it" and has accepted your apology, it's time to talk about the future. If you learned something or figured out something new that you think might help in a future situation, bring it up and see if she agrees.
If you have some ideas that might help the two of you handle a similar situation in a more productive manner, share your idea and ask for her input. If you have ideas about how your wife could play a role to avoid a situation like this in the future, talk about your ideas. But, be careful not to shift the blame to her.
Couples who are successful in their relationships learn how to problem solve, to accept responsibility for their actions, and to forgive each other. 
Depending on how severe the offense is, it may take some time to repair the rift completely. 
Exercise patience while waiting for your wife to fully forgive and let go of a hurt. This is a time to treat her the way you'd want her to treat you when she hurts you. 
It takes effort and plenty of hard work to repair the damage we inflict (however accidentally) without making things worse. But when we do it right, the making up process is quite rewarding and fun!"
Dr. David McFadden is a couples counselor at Village Counseling Center VIA 

Women's Power to Hurt the Male Ego

Women's Power to Hurt the Male Ego by Michelle Burford 

"After a failure, a man might express his intentions by saying, "I know I've messed up, but here's what I wanted for our family." When a woman understands this, she can begin to share her own intentions as a way of drawing him closer. Men respect hopes and dreams. That's a language they speak."

"Woman should understand that the man’s dream is his essence and that she will not be able create a successful relationship with a man whose dream she does not support. She must look for ways to align her needs with his purpose by speaking the literal language of achievement and by not over-dwelling in the world of feelings. While men can certainly learn to understand and validate the feelings of a woman, if her intent is to motivate change, the use of the language of feelings will not advance her goal."

Words of Wisdom

“Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.” – Lao Tzu, philosopher in ancient China “Everything that irritate...