How to Cope When You Feel Lonely and Invisible in Your Marriage

by Sharon Martin 

...The scary thing to me, as a couples therapist who has spent 10+ years geeking out on the neuroscience of love + relationships and learning all I can about what truly makes EPIC relationships, it highlights this one fact: The collective idea of what’s required to have a fulfilling marriage is way, WAY off.

We are bombarded with theatrical images of what marriage + relationships should look, feel, and sound like.  For the sake of argument, I will share typical gender-stereotyped assumptions:

We’re taught that to be a good partner, women should …

• Be patient and lower their expectations because men aren’t as emotionally evolved as they are.
• Learn to ask for what they want so their man has the opportunity to step up and meet their needs.
• Not expect their man to be their everything: spouse, friend, therapist, lover, etc.
• And NEVER tolerate cheating, lying, or any emotional/physical betrayal if they want to be respected.

 We’re taught that to be a good partner, men should …

• Be romantic, because that’s what every woman wants.
• Be stoic, assertive, confident and ready to protect, provide + procreate.
• Know how to be epic lovers naturally, without education outside of pornography.
• And NEVER show weakness, vulnerability, or heaven forbid…fear.

Unrealistic expectations leave us feeling lonely and unfulfilled

While I don’t disagree with all of these “shoulds,” I will say that with all these messages, how can we NOT feel lonely and invisible in our relationships now and then?

Over the years I’ve figured out some strategies for coping with loneliness and invisibility that may be helpful to you and your partner as you master the messiness of couplehood, together.

1. Make time to reflect. How are YOU doing? Are you in a funk? Maybe hungry? Have you been more stressed than usual? Have you been experiencing poor sleep? Check in with YOU.  What’s happening in YOUR individual life outside of your relationship? And what is one small way you can take physical, emotional, nutritional, mental or spiritual care of yourself, that doesn’t involve your partner? (ie: go for a run, get a massage, take a day off, sleep in, take a bath, meditate, go dancing, take a painting class, etc.)

2. Be honest. There’s nothing more connecting than getting vulnerable with someone who loves you. Can you tell your partner how you’re feeling, free of criticism or blame? What if you said, “I’m feeling super lonely lately + I miss you. Can we make time for us this weekend? Let’s talk about what it would take to make that happen.” (ie: get a babysitter, reschedule meetings, plan an adventure, sleep in together.) Your partner doesn’t know how you feel or what you need unless you tell him/her.

3. Connect to your tribe. Back in the day we literally had tribes. All around us, at all times, just so we could function. Too often I hear couples who want their partners to be their EVERYTHING: their co-parent, cycling buddy, confidant, lover + primary source of intellectual stimulation. And this leads to disappointment. Reach out to your tribe. Your friends, family, and even therapist feel valued when they can say YES to a request to chat, hang out, or support a struggle. And if you don’t have a tribe, it’s time to create one.

4. Give yourself (and your partner) a break. In relationships, we all suck sometimes. Which means at times you’re not going to get your needs met. And neither will your partner. Knowing that this is the nature of being an imperfect human, with faults, irritations, and limitations in a relationship with another imperfect human enables a little more empathy + kindness. Take a breath, and return to #1. Check in with you.

Yes, it’s awful to feel lonely + invisible in your relationship, but sometimes it’s going to happen and having the tools to cope will greatly reduce the pain associated with your experience. Remember, you’re just two imperfect humans trying your best to not suck at being together. 

by Sharon Martin

What Hidden Agenda Are You Bringing Into Your Relationship? By Bloomwork

To the degree that early unhealed wounds and unmet childhood needs are carried into adulthood we may see our partner as having the power, even the responsibility to rescue us from the residual pain from these experiences by providing us with the kind of love that we had never received. What we deeply desire is love that is healing, affirming, redemptive, and unconditionally accepting. In short, salvation. Not only is this expectation unrealistic, it’s unattainable. Still, the desire for love can be so compelling that it frequently blinds us to this reality.

When we feel ourselves to be incomplete or lacking a sense of wholeness, we often seek out others to fill our emptiness, someone who seems to possess the power to restore us to wholeness. Generally such a person embodies inner qualities, character traits and ways of being that are similar to those of one or both of our parents or caregivers. This sense of familiarity is one of the things that make this person attractive to us.

Such a person often inflames the desire for redemptive love, the kind of love that can heal our hearts and souls. When we are redeemed, we feel “right” with ourselves and relieved of feelings of unworthiness, doubt, anxiety and shame. “This time,” we tell ourselves, “this person will love me in the way I really need and deserve to be loved, and their love will remove the pain and suffering from my life.”

This then is the redemptive longing; the hope of being saved once and for all from the suffering inherent in a life in which we feel ourselves to be undeserving of love. When we fail to recognize the illusory nature of this expectation, relationships that began with dreams of divine bliss, can deteriorate into unrelenting frustration, and the person whom we had hoped would be our salvation becomes the source of more emotional pain.

It’s in our ability to see the true source of our attraction and attractiveness to others that we can begin the real healing work that can free us from relational patterns that no longer serve us. With this awareness we can learn how to put out the fires of suffering at their source.  When we do this we diminish the inclination to compromise ourselves in order to gain love and acceptance from others. Looking for wholeness and security through another is like seeking relief of a toothache from a painkiller. There’s nothing wrong with doing it and it will temporarily alleviate the pain, but it is not an effective long-term solution.

When the source of the problem has to do with an unwillingness to honestly face ourselves, the solution involves the ability to remember (literally, to put back together again) our essential selves and claim all of the parts that comprise the fullness of our being, including those parts that are in need of attention and healing.

This doesn’t necessarily require us to reveal our deepest darkest secrets to the world, but simply to honestly acknowledge and experience the truth to ourselves. In so doing, those aspects of our personality that we have tried to conceal gradually become exposed to the light of awareness and compassion. This process of gradual awakening is the essence of the work that over time will set us free. And freedom, isn’t just having nothing left to lose, it’s the foundation of fulfilling relationships and fulfilling lives.

FROM:

What Hidden Agenda are You Bringing

into Your Relationship

by Linda and Charlie Bloom

Words of Wisdom

“Marriage is three parts love and seven parts forgiveness of sins.” 

– Lao Tzu, philosopher in ancient China

“Everything that irritates us about others can lead us to an understanding of ourselves.”
 – Carl Jung, Swiss psychiatrist and the founder of analytical psychology

“When you struggle with your partner, you are struggling with yourself. Every fault you see in them touches a denied weakness in yourself.”
 – Deepak Chopra, Indian-born American physician and author

“Human nature dictates that it is virtually impossible to accept advice from someone unless you feel that that person understands you. So the bottom-line rule is that, before you ask your partner to change the way he or she drives, eats, or makes love, you must make your partner feel that you are understanding.”
– Dr. John Gottman

“The great myth in our culture is that compatibility is the grounds for a relationship—actually, compatibility is grounds for boredom. Incompatibility makes for a dynamic, powerful, growing, exciting relationship. But this comes with a cost and a benefit—because it is the context for most growth and ultimate happiness.”
– Dr. Harville Hendrix