How Women Really Feel About Sex

Sex begins in the mind.

Men are often disappointed that she doesn’t crave it in her body as much as he does. But her body is very different hormonally. Testosterone does cause physiological desire in both genders, but to differing degrees — proportionately, male hormonal drive is a loud scream, and hers is a whisper. For her, it’s the fantasizing, remembering, and imagining that revs her engine. So, in times of infatuation or falling in love — when she is constantly thinking about being together — her sexual appetite is high, and arousal is easy.

Sex is about being desired.

Sex researcher Meredith Chivers says “being desired is the orgasm” for women. While seeing an attractive man might cause a small spike of excitement in a woman — some women are more visual than others — it’s the thought of his reaction to her (“I wonder if he thinks I’m hot?”) that hits her brain like a lightning bolt. Knowing that her man is hungry for her engages her imagination and ignites sexy thoughts in the brain. Just as men often expect abundant sex after marriage, women have expectations of lots of continuing romance that assures her of her sexual desirability.

Sex is a mixed bag.

Most women do love sex, but desire can easily be derailed by tiredness, resentment, or the physiological problems of pain or menopause. In fact, without the physiological driver of testosterone, a main task for women is to turn off the inner "brakes," says sex therapist Emily Nagoski — the distractibility of the laundry, children, and work, or the inhibiting voices inside that tell her no because of her history or religion. Women often come to bed willing to have a good experience, but not really wanting or craving sex until aroused. And sometimes getting to the peak of arousal can be a bumpy climb; for many women, it may take up 45 minutes...

Sex is contextual. 

...Often, relationship ups and downs cause women to withdraw desire and protect their heart in a way that men don’t or can’t, given their biological drive. Her need to feel emotionally safe before the sexual moment cannot be overstated. Romance and seduction are ways that both men and women can co-create a context for sex that helps her separate from the cares of her day and her mental checklist of things to do, and brings her to a place of vulnerability.

Sex is an aspect of love. 

Sex, talking, hanging out, working together, managing a home and family as a team, feeling appreciated, celebrating holidays, giving and receiving gifts, and affection may all comprise love for a woman; sex is part of the whole, not the defining factor. Making love may flow from the warmth she feels in the relationship, but it’s not necessarily the source of the heat.

Sex is a way she gives love. 

I am absolutely not implying that women are obliged to give sex when they don’t want to,but sometimes, she may recognize her partner’s need for sex and, despite her own lack of inclination, she may want to meet his need. If there is relational warmth and good will, this offering can be a real gift of love. It can frustrate her efforts when her partner insists, "But I want you to want it!" because he discounts her motive of love, insisting that sex drive should be her real, if only, impetus. But because she often feels desire after arousal, she often also finds herself glad that she started making love. Some women find deep satisfaction in sexual intercourse, even if it comes without her orgasm. While most of the time we want to feel like we’re on the same page with our partner before having sex, sometimes it’s having sex that gets us on that same page.

Men and women both need to feel deeply attached to their partner for happiness. But our starting place is often different. Emotional intimacy combined with sexual intimacy is the combination that creates a passionate marriage or partnership.

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by Laurie J Watson

When a Woman Isn't in the Mood [But her Man Is]

Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.

But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage —no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says.

This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.

When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:

1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.

2. If this is true, men really are animals.

3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.

4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldn't expect sex when I'm not in the mood.

5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.

Let's deal with each of these responses.

1. You have to be kidding. …

The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different — and how seemingly more primitive — men's sexual nature is compared to women's.

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