Incredulity is certainly the reaction most women have when first being told that a man knows he is loved when his wife gives him her body. The idea that the man she is married to, let alone a man whose intelligence she respects, will to any serious extent measure her love of him by such a carnal yardstick strikes many women as absurd and even objectionable.
But the question that should matter to a woman who loves her man is not whether this proposition speaks poorly or well of male nature. It is whether it is true. And it is true beyond anything she can imagine. A woman who often deprives her husband of her body is guaranteed to injure him and to injure the marriage —no matter what her female friends say, no matter what a sympathetic therapist says, and no matter what her man says.
This is a major reason many husbands clam up. A man whose wife frequently denies him sex will first be hurt, then sad, then angry, then quiet. And most men will never tell their wives why they have become quiet and distant. They are afraid to tell their wives. They are often made to feel ashamed of their male sexual nature, and they are humiliated (indeed emasculated) by feeling that they are reduced to having to beg for sex.
When first told this about men, women generally react in one or more of five ways:
1. You have to be kidding. That certainly isn't my way of knowing if he loves me. There have to be deeper ways than sex for me to show my husband that I love him.
2. If this is true, men really are animals.
3. Not my man. He knows I love him by the kind and loving way I treat him.
4. You have it backwards. If he truly loved me, he wouldn't expect sex when I'm not in the mood.
5. I know this and that's why I rarely say no to sex.
Let's deal with each of these responses.
1. You have to be kidding. …
The most common female reaction to hearing about men's sexual nature is incredulity, often followed by denial. These are entirely understandable reactions given how profoundly different — and how seemingly more primitive — men's sexual nature is compared to women's.
I let my husband know with soft tones in my voice that I support him. My husband takes it as sarcasm.
When I suggest things like appointments, chores, etc., he thinks I am attacking him or judging him.
Even when I say something positive to him, he walks away like I just insulted him.
There are many times where I left the room crying because I have no idea how the conversation went sour. I don’t talk to him for a couple of days because I am tired of being hurt. Then my communication stops with him and that’s not good.
I just want to understand how to communicate better with my husband.
1. Talk less. Listen More. I suspect your husband is hurting. I suspect that the issue here isn’t you.
But we do know two things. First, it doesn’t seem to matter what you say or how you say it during these conversations. He doesn’t react well. Second, you don’t know why.
I suspect you have a good idea why he might be hurting. Maybe his job stresses him out. Maybe his boss is a jerk. Maybe it doesn’t pay well. Maybe he is out of shape and feels uncomfortable in his skin.
I don’t know.
But I suggest spending a few weeks just trying to figure out if he’s hurting and why.
Just observe. Listen more.
Because if he’s not happy with himself it doesn’t matter what you say or how you say it.
And once you have a sense of what’s got him in a funk, you might stand a better chance of helping him out of it.
I do believe the different genders have different tendencies, pressures, experiences. But I have never been a fan of “men are like” and “women are like” content.
That being said, I really enjoyed the book and thought Dr. John Gray made a lot of great points.
When my wife and I weren’t communicating well, neither of us could finish a sentence. A letter would solve that issue because it is interruption proof. Sure, I could have stopped reading it, but even then I know I wouldn’t have.
I think this might help.
3. Get support.
Find mentors, counseling, coaching, groups, or even just a group of kind-hearted positive-thinking friends. Meet regularly with an agenda of self-improvement with a primary goal of helping each other improve their relationships.
I am a member of three groups, have several mentors, trusted friends, read/listen to content, and am in mastermind groups for business/life.
Each of those sources has helped me through tough times. I am constantly looking for more and better information and support to help me grow and remain accountable. It is literally the best thing I’ve done for my marriage over the last two years.
There is so much value to connecting with others who are committed to helping your relationship blossom.
It’s powerful.
Men: Help me add to this discussion.
Have you been through times where your wife couldn’t say anything without you pushing back?
What was going on in your head? What do you think could have helped the situation?
Research reveals that during marital conflict a husband most often reacts when feeling disrespected and a wife reacts when feeling unloved. We asked 7,000 people this question: when you are in a conflict with your spouse or significant other, do you feel unloved or disrespected? 83% of the men said “disrespected.” 72% of the women said, “unloved.” Though we all need love and respect equally, the felt need differs during conflict, and this difference is as different as pink is from blue!
"...watch how you talk to your husband. Undermining our men is remarkably easy. I know many Christian women who belittle their husbands in public without realizing it. When you open your mouth to say something to your husband to others, make sure that comment is something uplifting. And when you’re alone, express gratitude much more than you express criticism. But our respect for our husbands goes even further than that.
Ladies, if something is important to your husband, it should matter to you. Some men retreat simply because they get the impression they aren’t wanted, and so they try to carve out a place in the world where they can escape."
Men and women are different in many ways. One area in particular is in the area of needs. Women have needs that are significantly different than those of men. How has God put a woman together? What does she need from a man?
In marriage, a man shows love to his wife by learning to meet seven basic needs that are the essence of who his wife is.
1) She needs a spiritual leader. A woman longs to follow a man of courage, conviction, commitment, compassion, and character. She wants a man who can be both steel and velvet. He can be a man’s man, and at the same time he can be gentle, tender, and approachable. Such a man will be a spiritual leader in the home. He will take the initiative in cultivating a spiritual environment for the family...
2) She needs personal affirmation and appreciation. A man who loves a woman will praise her for personal attributes and qualities. He will extol her virtues as a wife, mother, and homemaker. He will also openly commend her in the presence of others as a marvelous mate, friend, lover, and companion. She will feel that to him, no one is more important in this world.
I remember telling men in a conference that one of the ways they show their wife appreciation is by picking up the phone and calling her during the day to see how she is doing. He is not to call to ask what came in the mail or what’s for supper! The following night a sweet young lady came up to me to tell me that her husband had obviously listened to what I had said the night before. She informed me that they had been married for a number of years and that her husband had never called her during the workday until that day. On this day he called her five times!
At first I was proud of the impression I had made on the man, but then a frightening thought entered my mind. I asked the lady, “Well, what did he say in each of those conversations?” She informed me that he said not much at all and that each conversation lasted no more than a minute. I began to apologize to her for the fact that things had not worked out so well. She quickly interrupted me, “Oh no, Dr. Akin, it was wonderful. Just the fact that he thought to call means everything. We can work on the words later! However, if he doesn’t call, we have nothing to work on.”
3) She needs personal affection and romance. Romance for a man means sex. He cannot imagine romance without having sex. Romance for a woman can mean lots of things, and sex may or may not be a part of it.
Romance is basically a game. It is a specific game. It is a game of “hide-and-go-seek.” She hides it and you seek it. If you find it, you will indeed agree that it’s good! On the other hand, if you don’t find it, you have one of two options. First, you can get nasty, mean, and bent out of shape and just be a miserable old grouch for the rest of your life. I have met a number of men just like that. Or second, you can remind yourself, it’s a game. Sometimes I win, and sometimes I lose. But that’s the fun of playing the game.
But there’s a second part to this game, and this is not fair. However, we dealt long ago with the fact that some things aren’t fair; it’s just the way they are. Guys, you must understand. What is romantic to your wife, say, on Monday, may not necessarily be romantic on Tuesday. Indeed, women are adept at moving the romance on a regular basis, sometimes even hiding it in places where they can’t even find it. When you go searching for romance in the place where it used to be, but now you discover that it is no longer there, don’t be surprised if looking over your shoulder is the woman that God gave you, and with her eyes she says something like this, “Yes, my darling. I moved the romance. It’s somewhere else now. And I’m going to wait to see if you love me enough to look for it all over again.”
Now again, guys, you can get angry, mean, and bent out of shape, or you can remember, it’s a game. And games can be fun. Sometimes you win, and sometimes you lose. But it’s all a great game. Men, if you will approach romance in this way, not only will you find it fun, but you will also get better at it along the way.
4) She needs intimate conversation. A woman needs a husband who will talk with her at the feeling level (heart to heart). She needs a man who will listen to her thoughts about the events of her day with sensitivity, interest, and concern. Daily conversation with her conveys her husband’s desire to understand her. Wise men learn soon after marriage that women are masters of code language. They say what they mean and expect you to know what they mean, and the particular words really don’t matter. Unfortunately some men are simply ill prepared and a little dense at this point, and it often gets them into serious trouble.
5) She needs honesty and openness. A woman needs a man who will look into her eyes and, in love, tell her what he is really thinking. He will explain his plans and actions clearly and completely to her because he regards himself as responsible for her. He wants her to trust him and feel secure. He wants her to know how precious she is to him. Growing openness and honesty will always mark a marriage when a man loves a woman.
6) She needs stability and security. A man who loves a woman will firmly shoulder the responsibilities to house, feed, and clothe the family. He will provide and he will protect. He will never forget that he is the security hub of the family for both his wife and his children. She will be aware of his dependability, and as our text indicates, so will others. There will be no doubt as to where his devotion and commitments lie. They are with his wife and his children.
7) She needs family commitment. A woman longs to know that her man puts the family first. Such a man will commit his time and energy to the spiritual, moral, and intellectual development of the entire family, especially the children. For example, he will play with them, [he will teach them the family's beliefs], he will engage in sports with them, and he will take them on exciting and fun-filled outings. Such a man will not play the fool’s game of working long hours, trying to get ahead, while his spouse and children languish in neglect. No, a woman needs a man who is committed to the family.
Insight #1: The first insight is about the natural emotional cycle of women. Not understanding this can cause many problems in a relationship.
“Women are like waves”:
John Gray uses the term “waves” to describe a woman’s natural emotional cycle. Like waves, women naturally go up and down in how they feel about themselves and their lives. When they are ‘up’, they are able to be more giving, loving, and tolerant. But just like a wave has a peak, it also has its’ dip. And the ‘lows’ are a natural part of the emotional cycle. When a woman is in the low part of her wave, she is not feeling as good about herself and her life. During this time she is not as able to give as much, and is more in need *receiving* assurance, love, validation and understanding.
How a man can misunderstand:
1. He may feel responsible for the low and therefore become defensive when he sees it. The defensiveness may lead him to do exactly what he *SHOULDN’T* do: Explain why the woman shouldn’t be upset or down! He thinks he’s helping her by convincing her that whatever she’s upset about ‘isn’t a big deal’, but he’s really making things worse by invalidating her feelings! All she needs at this point is understanding and empathy—not someone to tell her that she’s ‘overreacting’ or being too ‘sensitive’ or ‘emotional’. Saying these things will often actually make her feel worse, as she begins to feel that she must defend herself and her feelings, therefore escalating them and often leading to an argument. She is not feeling understood or validated. She will likely feel that the man is being ‘insensitive’ or not understanding her. When the man tries to convince the woman why she shouldn’t be upset, he will likely become frustrated. He will express this frustration by making the woman feel that she’s just overreacting and overly sensitive. But deep down, he is actually frustrated because not being able to ‘fix’ the woman he loves when she’s upset makes him feel like he’s failing. So women, he’s not actually being insensitive. He’s actually just frustrated that he can’t make it better right away.
2. He may feel that it is his job to ‘fix’ the situation by offering solutions to her problem. Unlike men, when a woman is upset, she is often not looking for solutions or advice; she is looking for compassion, reassurance and empathy. She is looking for validation and understanding. Here’s the secret that a lot of men don’t understand: The fastest way to ‘fix’ a woman when she’s upset about something is to do the *opposite* of what comes natural to men. Don’t minimize the situation. Don’t offer solutions to make her feelings ‘go away’. Just be supportive and empathetic. Just try to listen and validate. Doing this will make a woman feel better very quickly. By the way, this is what women do for other women. If a woman goes to another woman with a problem, the other woman empathizes. This is the women code that men would do very well to understand: Never minimize another person’s pain or feelings.
Note: These insights are only *general trends* and will not apply to all people in all situations.
"After a failure, a man might express his intentions by saying, "I know I've messed up, but here's what I wanted for our family." When a woman understands this, she can begin to share her own intentions as a way of drawing him closer. Men respect hopes and dreams. That's a language they speak." __________________________________________________ "Woman should understand that the man’s dream is his essence and that she will not be able create a successful relationship with a man whose dream she does not support. She must look for ways to align her needs with his purpose by speaking the literal language of achievement and by not over-dwelling in the world of feelings. While men can certainly learn to understand and validate the feelings of a woman, if her intent is to motivate change, the use of the language of feelings will not advance her goal." from: http://suite101.com/article/what-women-should-know-about-the-male-ego-a401587
